Give me FREE: Going No-contact From My Narc Mother…

She never liked me

This beautiful black woman didn’t suddenly wake up and say ‘fuck it, I’m cutting ties with my black mother.’ Oh hell no!

Going no-contact from my narc (narcissistic) mother was a smidgen more complex than that. This blog post is a personal reflection on why I chose to embark on the path of no-contact with my black narcissistic mother. It was an agonizing but ultimately liberating decision.

My relationship with my mother has always been one of a trapeze artist and a tightrope.  One wrong move and you’re hurt.  From an early age, I was aware my mother didn’t like me. At around 7 years of age, I should not have been aware at the lack of ministration by mother and yet, I was. 

Everything I did, set her off.  Being in her presence was an inconvenience and she’d snap at me as often as possible.  Her facial expressions were brutal.  She was unable to hide her disdain.  My mother was/is NOT a nice human.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I was fed and clothed physically.  However, I was emotionally neglected…as were my other siblings.  I believe my treatment was worse due to my marching to the beat of my own drum.

All about appearances

While my mother was all about appearances, I wasn’t. I resented her caring more about the opinions of others than caring about her own household. Growing up, I was under a constant cloud of confusion. My mother, on the surface, seemed caring and loving, but underneath, she was a master manipulator. Her need for control extended into every aspect of my life, stifling my growth and individuality. As a black child in a society already burdened with societal pressures, her additional emotional burdens left me feeling suffocated and uncertain of my self-worth.

Bitch what??

That was nonsensical as fuck to me even as a kid.  

My mother was a SAHM (stay at home mother), however she did JUST enough to satisfy my father who worked nonstop to fund a household of six.  My mother is a narcissist.  I’m not a licensed mental health professional, but I am very comfortable, throwing the ‘narcissist’ label upon my mother.  It fits…perfectly.

I’ve given examples in the podcast.  To reiterate in writing is incredibly painful.  Maybe in a subsequent post, I’ll elaborate.  But I’ve succinctly told what lead to my decision below.

Being Black & Gen X

Being black and a member of Gen X is a double-edged sword.  Life experiences and expectations has taught me to be self-reliant. It’s taught me vulnerability translates into being perceived as weak.  I learned, ‘whatever goes on in this house, stays in this house.’ I heard numerous times, ‘kids are to be seen, not heard.’ I also learned to become a fucking people pleaser.  I settled for crumbs.  The smallest of compliments validated the fuck out of me because I wasn’t validated by my parents. I learned early on that it was up to ME, to defend ME because my parents damn sure weren’t going to do it. I’m skeptical of many things, especially AUTHORITY. And whatever, I did-represented my family and my race.  Talk about goddamn pressure.

Yeah, I’m over this shit

My mother disrespected me for the final time after I had a conversation with relatives she didn’t cosign.  I bid her goodbye and she looked at me with dismay and didn’t reply.  I repeated my salutation and she did the same.  She looked at me as if I was a stranger and returned to her telephone conversation.  I felt humiliated, diminished and belittled.

Later, while speaking to my therapist (which I sought after realizing I suffered from abandonment issues), I knew my only recourse was to cut ties with my mother. 

Unlike her, I communicated with her as to WHY I was cutting ties with her.  No more being goddamned disrespected, no more being fucking used, no more being nice to me ONLY when she wanted something, no more ingratitude when I’ve LITERALLY sacrificed sleep to do her bidding.  I’m fucking done.

After texting her, I blocked her EVERYWHERE.

AND

I felt IMMEDIATE relief!  The next day and week however, I was racked with guilt.  I have taken care of my mother (she has multiple children) for almost 4 decades.  I’ve grown weary, tired, sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I had enough of my mother’s robotic, detached and manipulative mannerisms towards me.  I was no longer a willing participant in the one-way relationship that always BENEFITED HER.

My need to vent

It was not my intention to create a podcast, but here I am.  My therapist suggested I document my thoughts in a journal but I told her I wouldn’t keep it up.  I knew if I recorded my voice, I’d be compelled to follow through.  

I understand what it’s like to feel unloved.  I know what it’s like to feel used. I know how it feels to be manipulated and maligned by a parent.

I know I’m not alone in dealing with these chaotic feelings and neither are you.  So check out, Trauma From My Mama with Fatima on Spotify and all other major podcast platforms!